The Dark Side Of Christmas Songs: A Non-Sports Post

I apologize for the lack of posting on this blog, and for the non-sports topic of this post, but someone has to say something about the attack on morality and high standards that returns every December like cousin Eddie and his RV.  Alarmingly, there are Christmas songs, widely embraced as part of a traditional celebration, but are, in fact, permeating our minds, and the minds of our children, with unsavory and dangerous ideas.

Please, take the time to read through this post, share it with your friends, family, and social networks, and then take appropriate actions regarding your own holiday music collection.

Winter Wonderland: In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say "Are you married?" we'll say "No, man. But you can do the job when you're in town."  There's so much wrong with this.  I mean, I get having a crush on the Parson.  He's probably a charismatic guy in a position of authority.  I can forgive that.  But now you're building a snowman, and pretending it's him?  How much detail are you putting in to the sculpting of this snowman?  Because there is a level of anatomic correctness that definitely crosses a line.  And then when he asks if you're single, you admit you are, but propose that he play the role of husband "when he's in town?"  That's sick.  What kind of snowman fantasy are you living in?

Even Rufio knows this
song is messed up.

Baby It's Cold Outside: Check out the back and forth conversation between a man and woman in this song.  Well maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour), The neighbors might think (Baby, it's bad out there), Say, what's in this drink (No cabs to be had out there), and later I ought to say no, no, no, sir (Mind if I move closer), At least I'm gonna say that I tried (What's the sense in hurting my pride?), and in the next section I simply must go (Baby, it's cold outside), The answer is no (Ooh darling, it's cold outside).  Hey, jack, she said "the answer is 'no'."  And "what's in this drink?"  Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's called a rufie (no, Steve, not "rufio." That's something entirely different).  How does this song not end with Detective Benson and the whole SVU showing up?

Frosty The Snowman: He led them down the streets of town, Right to the traffic cop, And he only paused a moment when, He heard him holler "Stop!"  Yeah, that's a little something that's known as "resisting arrest."  Don't we already have enough problems with people not respecting law enforcement officers without our holiday songs encouraging rebellion?

We Wish You A Merry Christmas: Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.  We won't go until we get some; We won't go until we get some; We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here.  This is the opposite of what I want to happen at my house on Christmas.  First off, "figgy pudding?"  That just sounds nasty.  More troubling, though, is the attitude of these Christmas guests.  First they make demands, and then they refuse to leave until those demands are met.  The last thing I need at the end of the big day is a group of people Occupying my Living Room.  What has happened to us as a society if part of our holiday preparations now include stocking up on riot gear and pepper spray?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer:  This song has never been welcome around any grandmothers I have known, but it's not just that she gets run over, it's what precedes that tragedy.  She'd been drinking too much eggnog, And we begged her not to go. But she forgot her medication, and she staggered out the door into the snow.  This family is the very definition of "dysfunctional."  First off, nobody is paying attention to the dangerous combination of the alcohol content of eggnog and the grandmother's medication?  A lot of those bottles have warning labels on them, and for a good reason.  Second, on Christmas Grandma skips her medication entirely?  So she's drunk, off her medications (for who knows what physical or psychological ailments), and she's barely ambulatory ("... staggered out the door"), but the family is satisfied that they've done their part by begging her "not to go."  I'm surprised there aren't more verses to this song, with things like "Uncle Bob wrapped his car around a telephone pole after we asked him for his keys and he said 'no'" or "someone should have mentioned to little Jimmy that it's a bad idea to take your new electronic toys into the bathtub."


So there you go.  Five "celebratory" Christmas songs that are actually destroying the foundation of good and decent people and families.  Continue to listen to these songs in your home at your own risk, and if your kids turn out to be drunken, demanding, disrespectful snowman fetishists, don't come crying to me.