Saturday, December 17, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
The Dark Side Of Christmas Songs: A Non-Sports Post
I apologize for the lack of posting on this blog, and for the non-sports topic of this post, but someone has to say something about the attack on morality and high standards that returns every December like cousin Eddie and his RV. Alarmingly, there are Christmas songs, widely embraced as part of a traditional celebration, but are, in fact, permeating our minds, and the minds of our children, with unsavory and dangerous ideas.
Please, take the time to read through this post, share it with your friends, family, and social networks, and then take appropriate actions regarding your own holiday music collection.
Winter Wonderland: In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say "Are you married?" we'll say "No, man. But you can do the job when you're in town." There's so much wrong with this. I mean, I get having a crush on the Parson. He's probably a charismatic guy in a position of authority. I can forgive that. But now you're building a snowman, and pretending it's him? How much detail are you putting in to the sculpting of this snowman? Because there is a level of anatomic correctness that definitely crosses a line. And then when he asks if you're single, you admit you are, but propose that he play the role of husband "when he's in town?" That's sick. What kind of snowman fantasy are you living in?
Baby It's Cold Outside: Check out the back and forth conversation between a man and woman in this song. Well maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour), The neighbors might think (Baby, it's bad out there), Say, what's in this drink (No cabs to be had out there), and later I ought to say no, no, no, sir (Mind if I move closer), At least I'm gonna say that I tried (What's the sense in hurting my pride?), and in the next section I simply must go (Baby, it's cold outside), The answer is no (Ooh darling, it's cold outside). Hey, jack, she said "the answer is 'no'." And "what's in this drink?" Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's called a rufie (no, Steve, not "rufio." That's something entirely different). How does this song not end with Detective Benson and the whole SVU showing up?
Frosty The Snowman: He led them down the streets of town, Right to the traffic cop, And he only paused a moment when, He heard him holler "Stop!" Yeah, that's a little something that's known as "resisting arrest." Don't we already have enough problems with people not respecting law enforcement officers without our holiday songs encouraging rebellion?
We Wish You A Merry Christmas: Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer. We won't go until we get some; We won't go until we get some; We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here. This is the opposite of what I want to happen at my house on Christmas. First off, "figgy pudding?" That just sounds nasty. More troubling, though, is the attitude of these Christmas guests. First they make demands, and then they refuse to leave until those demands are met. The last thing I need at the end of the big day is a group of people Occupying my Living Room. What has happened to us as a society if part of our holiday preparations now include stocking up on riot gear and pepper spray?
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer: This song has never been welcome around any grandmothers I have known, but it's not just that she gets run over, it's what precedes that tragedy. She'd been drinking too much eggnog, And we begged her not to go. But she forgot her medication, and she staggered out the door into the snow. This family is the very definition of "dysfunctional." First off, nobody is paying attention to the dangerous combination of the alcohol content of eggnog and the grandmother's medication? A lot of those bottles have warning labels on them, and for a good reason. Second, on Christmas Grandma skips her medication entirely? So she's drunk, off her medications (for who knows what physical or psychological ailments), and she's barely ambulatory ("... staggered out the door"), but the family is satisfied that they've done their part by begging her "not to go." I'm surprised there aren't more verses to this song, with things like "Uncle Bob wrapped his car around a telephone pole after we asked him for his keys and he said 'no'" or "someone should have mentioned to little Jimmy that it's a bad idea to take your new electronic toys into the bathtub."
So there you go. Five "celebratory" Christmas songs that are actually destroying the foundation of good and decent people and families. Continue to listen to these songs in your home at your own risk, and if your kids turn out to be drunken, demanding, disrespectful snowman fetishists, don't come crying to me.
Please, take the time to read through this post, share it with your friends, family, and social networks, and then take appropriate actions regarding your own holiday music collection.
Winter Wonderland: In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say "Are you married?" we'll say "No, man. But you can do the job when you're in town." There's so much wrong with this. I mean, I get having a crush on the Parson. He's probably a charismatic guy in a position of authority. I can forgive that. But now you're building a snowman, and pretending it's him? How much detail are you putting in to the sculpting of this snowman? Because there is a level of anatomic correctness that definitely crosses a line. And then when he asks if you're single, you admit you are, but propose that he play the role of husband "when he's in town?" That's sick. What kind of snowman fantasy are you living in?
 |
| Even Rufio knows this song is messed up. |
Frosty The Snowman: He led them down the streets of town, Right to the traffic cop, And he only paused a moment when, He heard him holler "Stop!" Yeah, that's a little something that's known as "resisting arrest." Don't we already have enough problems with people not respecting law enforcement officers without our holiday songs encouraging rebellion?
We Wish You A Merry Christmas: Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer. We won't go until we get some; We won't go until we get some; We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here. This is the opposite of what I want to happen at my house on Christmas. First off, "figgy pudding?" That just sounds nasty. More troubling, though, is the attitude of these Christmas guests. First they make demands, and then they refuse to leave until those demands are met. The last thing I need at the end of the big day is a group of people Occupying my Living Room. What has happened to us as a society if part of our holiday preparations now include stocking up on riot gear and pepper spray?
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer: This song has never been welcome around any grandmothers I have known, but it's not just that she gets run over, it's what precedes that tragedy. She'd been drinking too much eggnog, And we begged her not to go. But she forgot her medication, and she staggered out the door into the snow. This family is the very definition of "dysfunctional." First off, nobody is paying attention to the dangerous combination of the alcohol content of eggnog and the grandmother's medication? A lot of those bottles have warning labels on them, and for a good reason. Second, on Christmas Grandma skips her medication entirely? So she's drunk, off her medications (for who knows what physical or psychological ailments), and she's barely ambulatory ("... staggered out the door"), but the family is satisfied that they've done their part by begging her "not to go." I'm surprised there aren't more verses to this song, with things like "Uncle Bob wrapped his car around a telephone pole after we asked him for his keys and he said 'no'" or "someone should have mentioned to little Jimmy that it's a bad idea to take your new electronic toys into the bathtub."
So there you go. Five "celebratory" Christmas songs that are actually destroying the foundation of good and decent people and families. Continue to listen to these songs in your home at your own risk, and if your kids turn out to be drunken, demanding, disrespectful snowman fetishists, don't come crying to me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Jim Thome: Forever Known As 'The Man Traded For Aaron Rowand'
I can't stand Jim Thome. Ugh. Blech. Ptooey. Okay, 98% of my disdain is directly attributable to what he did against me in the World Series when I played Triple Play 97 (from EA Sports, which I totally won from KNBR!). I used Mark Gardner, Shawn Estes, Rod Beck, and even the great William VanLandingham, but I just could not get him out. I mean, what a jerk, right? That game was also where I first noticed his not-quite-calling-his-shot way that he holds his bat way out in front of him while the pitcher gets set. All arrogant and confident. I hate that. I'm pretty sure I woke my wife up at least once by yelling something like "Yeah, that's right, Jim Thome! You do that thing with your bat, and we're going to be coming inside like that all day long!"
Although now that I'm thinking about it, that bat pointing thing might only bug me in that game, as I don't think I even notice it when I actually watch him hit. So I might have adjusted my Thome-hate to being 100% from that game, except for this horror:
Friday, August 12, 2011
Disgruntled, Drunken GM's And The Owners Who Love Them
Adam: Boy that Pujols is awful this year, eh?
Gabe: Keep talking like that. Try to get some writers to say it. Maybe his price will drop enough that the Giants can afford him after the season.
Adam: Does Rowand's contract end this season? Zito? Are you freeing up some cash?
Gabe: Neither. Not Huff, either. DeRosa yes. Ross, probably. Tejada, yes. Although pretty much all of that money is going to go to pitchers getting raises.
Adam: Are you possibly expanding AT&T Park?
Gabe: No, but I'm sure they'll raise ticket prices again. Maybe we can get a cheaper GM.
Adam: Maybe.
Gabe: And they're going to be putting the Copenhagen logo on the butts of all the uniforms.
Adam: Nice. Posey's ass will certainly sell chew.
Gabe: That's tweetable.
Adam: Any chance Zito clears waivers so you can deal him to the Yankees?
Gabe: I'm sure they'll put him on waivers and hope someone claims him like Alex Rios.
Adam: Like some drunk GM thinking he is being funny.
Gabe: Exactly like that. Neal Huntington is going to wake up all hung over and see Barry Zito warming in the pen.
Adam: My money is on Ed Wade, just three sheets to the wind one night ... wanting to screw the new ownership that he knows is going to fire him ... drunkenly leaves them with Zito as their ace.
Gabe: That sounds altogether too plausible. Think we can get a couple of those Phillies prospects they just got for Pence? Maybe Wandy Rodriguez? We can throw in Astros' fan favorite Migue Tejada.
Adam: And maybe you could purchase the rights to Brad Ausmus from the Newark Bears (or dodgers) and throw him in too.
Gabe: Good call. Any way we can get Berkman in the deal?
Adam: Maybe the corpse of Bagwell?
Gabe: And Larry Anderson.
Adam: Undoubtedly.
Gabe: Keep talking like that. Try to get some writers to say it. Maybe his price will drop enough that the Giants can afford him after the season.
Adam: Does Rowand's contract end this season? Zito? Are you freeing up some cash?
Gabe: Neither. Not Huff, either. DeRosa yes. Ross, probably. Tejada, yes. Although pretty much all of that money is going to go to pitchers getting raises.
Adam: Are you possibly expanding AT&T Park?
Gabe: No, but I'm sure they'll raise ticket prices again. Maybe we can get a cheaper GM.
Adam: Maybe.
Gabe: And they're going to be putting the Copenhagen logo on the butts of all the uniforms.
 |
| Posey, sponsored |
Adam: Nice. Posey's ass will certainly sell chew.
Gabe: That's tweetable.
Adam: Any chance Zito clears waivers so you can deal him to the Yankees?
Gabe: I'm sure they'll put him on waivers and hope someone claims him like Alex Rios.
Adam: Like some drunk GM thinking he is being funny.
Gabe: Exactly like that. Neal Huntington is going to wake up all hung over and see Barry Zito warming in the pen.
Adam: My money is on Ed Wade, just three sheets to the wind one night ... wanting to screw the new ownership that he knows is going to fire him ... drunkenly leaves them with Zito as their ace.
Gabe: That sounds altogether too plausible. Think we can get a couple of those Phillies prospects they just got for Pence? Maybe Wandy Rodriguez? We can throw in Astros' fan favorite Migue Tejada.
Adam: And maybe you could purchase the rights to Brad Ausmus from the Newark Bears (or dodgers) and throw him in too.
Gabe: Good call. Any way we can get Berkman in the deal?
Adam: Maybe the corpse of Bagwell?
Gabe: And Larry Anderson.
Adam: Undoubtedly.
Whose Line Is It Anyway: August 12, 2011
Look at the following career total stat line, and guess which player has those numbers. Then leave your guess as a comment to this post. First one with the right answer wins a custom desktop wallpaper featuring your favorite (non-dodger, non-o. smith) player, from any sport, built to the size of your screen. Obviously, the "honor system" is at work here as far as not researching the answer. You can submit more than one answer, but please make each guess a separate comment. Come back every Friday for another game and chance to win!
Today's player had a 22 year career with 5 different teams. He spent 21 years in the National League, and 1 in the American League. So ... whose line is this? (click to view larger image)
Hints:
- He was an All Star 10 times.
- He finished in the top 10 of MVP voting 5 times.
- His 22 seasons took place sometime between 1960 and 1995.
Last week's answer after the jump.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Whose Line Prizes!
Hey, we need to get caught up on a couple of Whose Line Is It Anyway winners!
Anthony correctly identified Larry Walker, and requested a desktop wallpaper with Ken Griffey, Jr. (I didn't get your monitor resolution, so I just used a standard one. Let me know if you need it re-sized.)
Click on the thumbnail to see a larger version, but you need to click "download" in the upper left to get the full sized image.
Congratulations to both of you!
Anthony correctly identified Larry Walker, and requested a desktop wallpaper with Ken Griffey, Jr. (I didn't get your monitor resolution, so I just used a standard one. Let me know if you need it re-sized.)
 |
| From Adam and Gabe Talk About Sports and Stuff |
Christopher correctly identified both Steve Rogers and Kevin Mitchell, and gets this snappy Brandon Belt wallpaper.
 |
| From Adam and Gabe Talk About Sports and Stuff |
Click on the thumbnail to see a larger version, but you need to click "download" in the upper left to get the full sized image.
Congratulations to both of you!
Whose Line Is It Anyway: July 29, 2011
Look at the following career total stat line, and guess which player has those numbers. Then leave your guess as a comment to this post. First one with the right answer wins a custom desktop wallpaper featuring your favorite (non-dodger, non-o. smith) player, from any sport, built to the size of your screen. Obviously, the "honor system" is at work here as far as not researching the answer. You can submit more than one answer, but please make each guess a separate comment. Come back every Friday for another game and chance to win!
This player had a 14 year career, spending parts or all of seasons with 8 different clubs. He played nine seasons in the National league, and five in the American League. So ... whose line is this? (click to view larger image)
Hints:
- He was a 3-time All Star
- He won 3 Gold Gloves
- He finished in the top 10 of MVP voting twice
Last week's answers after the jump.
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